The Little Pink Card

This weekend I found myself over at Vanessa's for a bonfire, one that began after midnight. In a comfy cocoon of new people and interesting conversation, I stayed past dawn, and left after 8am. My sleep is messed up now, to say the least. Thankfully Sunday night I fell asleep at 2am and woke at 1pm on Monday. I did wake at 8am to use the ladies and then found myself in the deepest and most wonderful sleep session I have experienced in months, and maybe even in years.

I woke up, rolled over, grabbed a pen and a little pink note card and wrote this: It is not what's happened, but it's how you have lived. I did write a sentence that preceded it, but I can't make out what it says. I have taken to keeping a small notified, or note cards at the empty space beside my side of the bed. I find that right before I fall asleep I seem to have revelations that feel very important. Sometimes these nuggets are recipes, the first line of a poem, an idea for a short story, or simply an item I need from the store. But, I feel empowered by this new habit. I found previously I felt paralyzed by the thoughts that plagued my mind as I drifted to a sleep state. It actually prevented me from sleeping. After I fashioned the note taking supplies beside me, I regained control.

I have been thinking about what I wrote down all day. I can honestly say that some of my actions over the course of my life have brought me an insurmountable amount of shame. I wonder if I am a "good person" if I chose to conduct myself in a certain fashion. I know that if I took a moment to give myself a break, I would see that I am human. Humans do make mistakes. Humans have the capacity to forgive. But, I reserve mistakes and forgiveness for others when I need to learn to grant those gracious gestures to myself. I think that might have been what I was trying to tell myself in my dream. I know that when I woke I felt very peaceful, as if maybe I had just coaxed my inner child out of her hiding space and treated her to the worlds most loving embrace.

So, the lesson for the day is "It is not what happened, but it's how you've lived." I am happy to welcome this idea and hope to find a way to incorporate it into my life.