soulmate shopping at home depot

at target i had run into lady #1 (definition: "the ladies" is a self titled group of my friends my former career. we are all redheads and refer to ourselves in the third person. i think everyone who isn't a member of "the ladies" finds the whole idea obnoxious, but i could care less). anyway, when i saw lady #1 at target, i half jokingly said "i have to run over to home depot because i am shopping for a soulmate." she laughed at me. not really with me, kind of at me. i guess that is what happens when you have already found your soulmate-you think people are foolish for wandering around scouting for a soulmate wearing invisible soulmate fly paper.

i digress.....

i roll into the home depot, forgetting all about my soulmate shopping agenda and make a bee-line for the paint department. i have been working on a craft project that dictates the theft of paint chip sheets from local home improvement warehouses. i avoid any eye contact with anyone in the store because i fear they will catch on that i am piling 20 or 30 of these paint chips into my purse and i will hear some coded page on the loud speaker telling their loss prevention professionals about the thief in paint and decorating.

i notice an older lady (and i mean OLDER) yelling at her husband because he isn't following her closely enough to suit her. the have to be in their 90's. i wonder who drove this couple, because their coordination of foot-to-floor is questionable to say the least. i realize maybe being single isn't so bad. at least i don't have to yell at anyone at the store, (my ex-husband can tell you all about that enticing trait) i always felt crappy for doing that. i have sworn that i wouldn't do that to another person again. i am squinting at the tiny font on each paint chip and i can feel someone invading my personal space. i can also smell that my space has been invaded and i have fear stirring inside me. i turn and discover mr. older lady is standing there, smiling-almost all gums. he is pointing at my skirt. i know that he is about to speak and i really am not interested in finding out what nugget he is about to share. but, i am a helpless to stop him. mostly because i am polite and believe i wear a sign on my back that says "looking for inappropriate relationships and stalkers." in truth- i am asking for trouble by leaving the house.

"sldfjaoei9uroiujlkfmsmg, wiejroiagh aoeiuroihg" was what i think he said. i smiled and nodded and gave up a coy little laugh. i was just hoping he would walk away and we wouldn't really have to start a conversation. but, when one is soulmate shopping at the home depot, i guess one does not have choice of suitors, one just accepts their beloved. moving on.... the gist of what "mr. older lady" wanted me to know was this-he likes skirts. his wife always wear skirts (he pointed to her in demonstration) and that is why he likes them. he went on to tell me that he knows he is going to die soon due to a weak heart and i just proved he would live another day. he told me that i made his heart race, but he didn't drop dead and that was a good thing. i proceeded to do more of the smiling/nodding and thought it was pretty sweet. i figure you have to start somewhere right? first comes the gents on deaths door, and then maybe something a little less perishable? one can only hope.

not to kick a gift horse in the mouth, but, i ask you this...where were the gentlemen in their late 20's or early 30's, who aren't married, or with a girlfriend, without a set of matching baggage, and all of their teeth? those are the soulmates i am looking for. so, calling all soulmate potentials.....check out the paint aisle at your local home depot for a skirt-wearing, paint-chip-shopping gal. and please, don't report her to security for stealing. our life together shouldn't begin with bailing me out of jail.